Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Amazon reviews as creative writing

I was looking up the cost of electric lawnmowers to try to figure out a fair asking price for the used one I'm about to sell. I stumbled across the following review on It cracked me up.
Well ladies and gentlemen; it's that time of the year again. The time of the year where the grass grows faster than Vin Diesel's career. If your household works like mine then you will be the one who has to cut the lawn, while dad sits inside the nice air conditioned house watching sports highlights.

Over the last weekend, I was preparing to meet my friend Lyle at the local Cineplex to see the latest installment of what I can tell as the next big action franchise "XXX". This one features a great action star named Ice Cube (he was SWEET in Torque). Anywho, as I was getting ready, dad interrupted me and commanded that I cut the grass before I leave. I still had about an hour and half before the movie started so I was okay with it.

We have a decent size lot, so it takes a while to cut the lawn, plus my dad is pretty anal about how the lawn looks. He makes you cut the grass in a criss-cross pattern something like a golf course. Everything was going good, I was making good time. Then, it happened. While I was cutting next to the house I ran over the droppings of my dog Morris and due to the side discharge on the lawn mower, no joke, dog poop was flung all over the front of the house.

Dad came out and started yelling at me because a piece of Morris's offerings splattered on the window next to him. He made me clean-up the mess and after I finished cutting the grass. None-the-less I ended up missing the movie and had to reschedule for the next day.

In conclusion, The Black & Decker Lawn Hog (I love the name, Lawn Hog, it's so tough) has the capabilities to cut grass like any top of the line lawnmower, plus has the added feature of flinging poo like a primate. I have big plans for this thing when he leaves for work. I can mow trashbags on trash-day, flower-beds, pretty much anything. I'm also seriously considering going up to the baseball field at the school, so I can run the bases with the lawnmower to throw all of the gravel into the outfield. The possibilities of this thing are endless. I can do anything I want to with it, to anything. If dad is going to act like a slave-driver, then he can be responsible for whatever I do. It's his Lawn-Hog anyways. Later.

The review is by some guy named Howard Tuttleman, who has written dozens of other Amazon reviews and is expanding his media empire with a website featuring live radio broadcasts from his room.

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