Friday, January 13, 2006

Y2K Nostalgia

Cleaning out my office, and just came across a notebook full of notes taken in meetings about Y2K preparedness. Full of things like "Buy flashlights!" and "Go on generator at 8PM no matter what?" I still remember that New Years because my friends all got together for a big party in NY, but I was required to be at work in case there were power outages, computer failures, riots, plaugues of raining frogs, etc.

I spent the entire night staring at my computer screen watching nothing happen. What a way to ring in the milleneum.


It's official -- I'm really leaving. I can tell because we ate cake with my name on it.

That and I received an automatic e-mail from HR telling me that I need to disable my own computer access. It was a very recursive moment.


Just sent the following e-vite to 11 of my closest friends and vague acquaintances in Boston. We'll see how many folks I can sucker into white washing the fence:

"Help Me Unload A Moving Van" Party

Host: Yours Truly
Location: Casa Nueva de Me
Somerville, MA
When: Saturday, January 21, 9:00am
Phone: 555-5555

Featuring "Boxercize" -- the fitness craze that's sweeping the nation!

Ever been at a party and thought "Man, this is a drag. All these people are boring, and the guy in the corner is totally plastered and making an ass of himself. If only there were some heavy boxes here, I could at least be keeping fit by lifting them and carrying them up a flight of stairs."

Well, this is the party for you! Not only will there be no drunk guy in the corner, but the host is thoughtfully providing a Penske moving truck stuffed to the brim with physical fitness opportunities! Simply show up, grab an armload, and soon you too will see how you can boxercize your way to a new you!

But wait, there's more! For example, we could watch TV... after we unload it from the truck. We could could cook delicious food... after we unload the kitchen stuff from the truck. We could look at nifty art... after we unload it from the truck. And, of course, you'll appreciate all of these things more after having hauled them up a flight of stairs!

If you can't make it, that's fine, but I'll tell you now that this is a hot ticket around Metro Boston. We're even considering hiring a bouncer to keep out the riff raff. (However, if you have friends that want to come, we'll put them on the VIP list. But only because we like you.)

The boxercize madness will start sometime around 9AM, and will go until the first ER visit. Don't miss out on what Men's Health magazine called "The U-Haul Miracle!" Respond today!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Amazon reviews as creative writing

I was looking up the cost of electric lawnmowers to try to figure out a fair asking price for the used one I'm about to sell. I stumbled across the following review on It cracked me up.
Well ladies and gentlemen; it's that time of the year again. The time of the year where the grass grows faster than Vin Diesel's career. If your household works like mine then you will be the one who has to cut the lawn, while dad sits inside the nice air conditioned house watching sports highlights.

Over the last weekend, I was preparing to meet my friend Lyle at the local Cineplex to see the latest installment of what I can tell as the next big action franchise "XXX". This one features a great action star named Ice Cube (he was SWEET in Torque). Anywho, as I was getting ready, dad interrupted me and commanded that I cut the grass before I leave. I still had about an hour and half before the movie started so I was okay with it.

We have a decent size lot, so it takes a while to cut the lawn, plus my dad is pretty anal about how the lawn looks. He makes you cut the grass in a criss-cross pattern something like a golf course. Everything was going good, I was making good time. Then, it happened. While I was cutting next to the house I ran over the droppings of my dog Morris and due to the side discharge on the lawn mower, no joke, dog poop was flung all over the front of the house.

Dad came out and started yelling at me because a piece of Morris's offerings splattered on the window next to him. He made me clean-up the mess and after I finished cutting the grass. None-the-less I ended up missing the movie and had to reschedule for the next day.

In conclusion, The Black & Decker Lawn Hog (I love the name, Lawn Hog, it's so tough) has the capabilities to cut grass like any top of the line lawnmower, plus has the added feature of flinging poo like a primate. I have big plans for this thing when he leaves for work. I can mow trashbags on trash-day, flower-beds, pretty much anything. I'm also seriously considering going up to the baseball field at the school, so I can run the bases with the lawnmower to throw all of the gravel into the outfield. The possibilities of this thing are endless. I can do anything I want to with it, to anything. If dad is going to act like a slave-driver, then he can be responsible for whatever I do. It's his Lawn-Hog anyways. Later.

The review is by some guy named Howard Tuttleman, who has written dozens of other Amazon reviews and is expanding his media empire with a website featuring live radio broadcasts from his room.