First a bit of background. I rent a 1920s-era house that actually belongs to a couple who, last I heard, were somewhere in Germany. So to handle maintenance, collecting the rent, etc, they have appointed a local management company. (Which, as near as I can tell, consists of a woman operating out of her dining room. And she *gasp* doesn't have e-mail!) Through years of experience, this company has developed an extensive list of the least qualified maintenance people in the region, and will promptly dispatch them whenever I call. (The actual names change, but I just generally call these folks Larry, Moe, and Curly.) To ensure survival of house, I tend to avoid calling them at all. As a result, I have accumulated a list of housing-related issues which I will now share with the reading public free of charge:

What’s wrong with my house: a list for the perusal of the public

1. Garbage disposal doesn't work. Evil sounding electric humming when switch is flipped. Did not wait around to find out what would happen if left on, but suspect it would involve fire department.
2. Gate to back yard has screw loose. Multiple screws, actually. Will fall off if wind blows wrong way. Mildly concerned about security of $10 plastic patio chairs.
3. Roof on top of front porch appears to have collided with tree limb, causing minor case of shingles. (ba boom, ching!)
4. Caulk in shower is deteriorating.
5. Crack floor replacement team of Larry, Curly, and Moe apparently did not re-secure insulation in crawl space after having destroyed laundry room in December. Discovered when went to hide back yard detritus in crawl space.
6. Attic window appears to be broken. Don’t have ladder long enough to actually enter attic and investigate – for all I know, could be dead bodies stashed up there. Yikes.
7. Front walk is developing massive pothole/sinkhole type of thing.
8. Family of birds seems to have taken up residence inside roof at back of house. Strange noises provide hours of entertainment for resident cat, but probably do not bode well for future of roof. Suggest eviction at some point.